


Aftermath

by AHeartForStories



Series: AHeartForStories' Febuwhump 2021 [1]
Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Chief Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, Depression, F/M, FebuWhump2021, Heavy Angst, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III Needs a Hug, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III Whump, Hiccup Whump, Hurt Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, Implied/Referenced Attempted Suicide, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mind Control, Past Mind Control, Speech Disorders, Speech impediment, Stuttering, Whump, venomcup AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:14:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29140617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHeartForStories/pseuds/AHeartForStories
Summary: Written for Febuwhump Day 1. Set after THW (kinda), Venomcup AU. While Berk doesn't know about the days Hiccup spend under Grimmel's control, the Dragon Riders do, and Hiccup struggles with the overwhelming guilt.
Relationships: Astrid & Fishlegs & Hiccup & Ruffnut & Snotlout & Tuffnut, Eret & Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Fishlegs Ingerman, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Ruffnut Thorston, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Snotlout Jorgenson, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Toothless, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Tuffnut Thorston, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Valka, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III/Astrid Hofferson
Series: AHeartForStories' Febuwhump 2021 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137413
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32
Collections: febuwhump 2021





	Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Febuwhump prompt: "Mind control"
> 
> Introducing 'Depression: The Fic'!  
> This is a Venomcup AU written for this year's Febuwhump. But mind control squicks me out, so I'm writing about the aftermath instead and the heavy, heavy feeling of guilt I imagine would follow after the events discussed in this fic.
> 
> Also, funny story. I ended Whumptober 2020 with Day 31 at 13k words. Now I've begun Febuwhump 2021 Day 1 with 13k words. What a coincidence!  
> No wonder this thing took days to proofread.
> 
> Constructive criticism is appreciated.  
> Enjoy!

All of Berk can tell that something is wrong with their Chief. He's quieter than he's ever been before, he does his job with less vigor, he overworks more so then usual, he doesn't care of himself, he's rarely seen with his own friends or the estranged mother he's been getting to know, he hasn't even been seen in the sky at all as of late, there is a whole slew of things that are off about him and that is the most concerning thing of all.

And yet, when Hiccup or any of those in his immediate circle are asked, they simply say "he's fine" and hurriedly move on.

The Berkians whisper amongst each other when they aren't around, speculating on what must be going on.

Is the loss of his father getting the better of him? Is he suddenly not capable of taking the pressure as Chief? Mind you, he did lose Berk and then decided to rebuild his entire village elsewhere on an island only dragons can reach. Quite a few still aren't letting him live that down, believing they should've stayed and fought off the enemies who chased them away there instead of here.

Maybe there are problems in his relationship with Astrid and is his marriage to her already in jeopardy before they can even tie the knot? It has to be something like that for Berk's most lovey-dovey couple to no longer spend any time together. Hiccup might even be to blame as it's him she and the Riders are avoiding like the plague.

But whatever the reason, they all know it must've happened during that weeks-long "reconnaissance mission" they said he went on after disappearing without a heads-up. He came back just a day before the final battle.

But whatever gossip they have, their whispers are quickly hushed whenever one of the Riders, Gobber, Eret, or Valka are around to hear it. None of them appreciate all of that speculating.

Hiccup watches them gossip, sitting on a nearby chest. He knows that they're talking about him, though the Riders have claimed again and again that no one in the village knows, he can almost hear what they're saying. The biggest giveaway is probably when they look his way, only to quickly look away when they realize he's staring right back at them and they've been caught staring.

He sighs when they do it again and follow up by swiftly resuming their work on the home they've been building.

Hiccup debates getting up and walking away. His tent is still up, maybe he can go sulk in there for a few hours. Though he's in charge of the planning as he feels it's handier if houses aren't just built willy-nilly. Maybe sulking is for later.

"Hiccup!" That's Astrid who is calling for his attention as she comes over. Instead of giving it to her, he gets up and walks.

The Berkians in the area watch him go. Yup, this is definitely his doing. He's pretty much running with his tail between his legs.

"Wait!" She's quick to jog over and grab him by his arm to slow him down.

"Astrid," He's distant as he acknowledges her presence, his face and posture betraying how uncomfortable he feels with her being here. His arms cross tightly, but in defense of who? His shoulders are tense and hunched.

It's still surprisingly painful and Astrid is thrown for a second, though this has been going on for a while already. She brushes past it as she's already tried to discuss this with him and that hasn't worked out. So brushing past it, it is.

I haven't seen you all day, I'm glad I found you. New Berk has been chaotic lately." She says and this is because the people and dragons of the Hairy Hooligan tribe plan and construct their village. She hasn't seen much of her betrothed as a result, though they both know that isn't the only reason to blame.

Hiccup solely nods, though Astrid doesn't quite know what for. To acknowledge that she's been searching for him? In agreement that there's chaos? She notices that Toothless is once again not here.

"Where's Toothless?" So she asks and sees him shrug.

"He's with the Light Fury, I think?" He answers uncertainly, his gaze downcast the entire time. She's not used to seeing him like this and she hopes she never will get used to it.

Astrid spots movement behind Hiccup in the distance, a black head peeking around the corner of an unfinished home. There's also a white one peeking out from behind the black one.

So yes, Toothless is, indeed, with the Light Fury.

They're both stalking Hiccup.

Astrid can't help but sigh.

"What?" Hiccup answers too quickly, looking up for the first time to meet her gaze. What she sees is worry.

"I'm sorry if I'm doing something wrong, I-"

"Hiccup, it's not you." She holds his hand, stopping him mid-sentence. No, it's not him that's the problem here, she knows why he's acting the way he does.

"Okay, well, uh, I have some things I need to get to, so…" Hiccup awkwardly tells her, hoping to be let off the hook. How he could possibly become even more awkward than when he was a young teen, she has no idea.

"The Riders can help lighten your workload. You always tell me how we should trust their capabilities, I'm sure you can take the afternoon off for… how about a walk?" Astrid requests nicely, her smile stubbornly on her face. She sounds like she came here without a plan.

Hiccup watches her as he debates going with her.

He does want to go. He has barely spent any time with her lately, with any of his loved ones, really. Even Toothless can't force their time together and he does miss just taking a walk with someone.

But no, as tempting as it is, he can't do that to her.

"I… can't. I-"

"I agree it sounds fun, let's go!" But Astrid ignores this, pulling him along with her.

"Ast-Astrid! I-" His protests are there, but he doesn't stop her.

Astrid isn't sure where she's going to take him, she honestly didn't think she would get this far, but she'll figure something out. She's just happy she's managing to take him along.

Maybe, when she gets him alone enough, they can sit down together somewhere. She might not get him to talk yet, but that will be a huge improvement over what's been happening the past few weeks.

When he suffers, the last thing he should do is push everyone away and isolate himself from a village full of people that love him and want to help him.

There's a nice spot in the forest that she and Stormfly found a little while back, maybe she can show it to him. It might remind him of the cove back on Berk.

He hasn't explored much of their new island, though that would normally be the first thing someone as curious as Hiccup Haddock the Third would do. When he's taken care of his people and can afford some time to himself, that is. Instead, Hiccup has barely seen anything yet of what is to be their new home.

Astrid, she got her hopes up. Because when the forest comes into view, Hiccup takes his hand back.

"Babe?" She faces him.

"Astrid, I-I really-I really need to get back. I-I-I have- I have things that I need to-need to do." Hiccup reminds her and she doesn't miss the way his hand flexes strangely, as if he didn't like holding her hand.

It's only because she's aware of the context behind it that she knows he isn't uncomfortable with her holding his hand, but his holding hers.

"So, I-uh… Yeah, I'll see you around." Hiccup bids her goodbye and walks off, intending to find the first Viking he can help with something.

"Hiccup, wait." Astrid is quick to react, reaching for and grabbing his hand. But upon the mere touch, he jumps back.

"No, Astrid, don't" He puts distance between the two of them.

"I don't- I… I don't want to hurt you." He clenches his fists, his gaze is downcast and afraid to meet hers.

Her hand lowers and Astrid is left to stare at him, a little lost.

He won't hurt her, she's told him that over and over again, but he still doesn't believe her. He doesn't trust himself not to.

It's a terrible thing. The last person who would ever hurt his loved ones on purpose is Hiccup, and yet, he's the one afraid that he will. And it's not just with her, he doesn't tolerate any touching from their friends either, not even Toothless gets the affection he usually gets.

Astrid looks behind them, sees that they're far enough away from the village to probably not be heard. This is a secret they've been keeping from Berk.

"Hiccup, you won't hurt me. The man who fid, that wasn't you." Once more, she tries to talk to him, daring a step closer, but all that does is make him back up further. So she stops.

He holds his own wrist, as if afraid it's going to act out on its own.

There is not an ounce of trust in himself, none at all.

Astrid doesn't know which part of this mess is worse. This, when Hiccup tried to break off their engagement last night, or the incident that lead to him wanting to.

Because Astrid is a proud warrior and an even prouder Dragon Rider. She has battle experience, she's tough, hardened, fearless. But when Hiccup, her most trusted comrade and the love of her life, reached a hand out to her some days ago, she flinched and he noticed.

It's not the first time someone has tried to attack her and she knows in her heart and mind that the person responsible for this whole mess is Grimmel the Grisly and no one else. But it's because those were Hiccup's hands that hurt her, because they belonged to the one person she could never harm, that a weakness has sprouted within her.

The touch from days earlier was but a ghost over her shoulder, but it's the last one he initiated as he hasn't touched her since.

They never noticed how much they liked to show their affection for each other physically until it suddenly stopped coming.

Astrid still keeps them coming. She kisses him, hugs him, not even her playful punches have stopped coming, but they are all entirely one-sided. Because of that incident, Hiccup has now been keeping his hands completely to himself.

She blames herself for reacting the way she did and it happened on a night when he was doing better, too.

This is all Grimmel's fault. He forced diluted Deathgripper venom into his veins to make their Dragon Rider leader susceptible to his commands. He had him under his control for weeks and made him do his bidding. Including…

Astrid can't pretend to imagine what that must've been like, to no longer be in control of your own body, a prisoner in your own mind. Despite their hopes, they know he retained some level of awareness throughout it all, just enough to remember, enough to be horrified by what's been done to him and what he has done under influence of the venom.

When the Dragon Riders came to rescue him, their newest member, Eret, together with Skullcrusher and Valka and Cloudjumper included, he tried to kill them.

Astrid can see the memories running rampant inside his mind. They have not left him alone since they got him back. It's frustrating to her, it's frustrating to him, to all of them. She can see him try to block out the memories without success, the reprieve he so desperately needs is denied once again.

"Hey," Astrid tries to draw him out of it, cupping his cheek." I love you and what Grimmel made you do won't stop that. He hurt us both."

"Astrid, how can you possibly love me? I tried to kill you, I almost succeeded with…" He chokes up, unable to say it.

But he should, shouldn't he? It's his fault, he should at least own up to it.

"With Snotlout." The last of that sentence is forced to roll off his tongue and it kills him inside.

This is going completely in the opposite direction that she wanted this to go into.

"Well, it was an eye-opener for sure. None of us are ever going to second guess your strength and skill ever again. And at least now I know that you've been holding out on me." Astrid smiles, all she wants is to lighten his mood, that's it. She just wants him to feel better about himself for just a little bit.

Hiccup doesn't want to hear it.

He almost takes her hand off his cheek, but he can't, his hand ghosting over hers. He steps back instead.

"No, I never held back and even if I did, that still doesn't matter. What matters, Astrid, is that I couldn't stop myself. Even if it was Grimmel who made me use my sword against you and our friends, made me threaten Toothless and my mom…" He can barely bear to keep talking.

"If I-if I really was strong, I should've been able to stop myself." Because Toothless had. When Drago's Bewilderbeast stole his Bud's mind from him, Toothless managed to break free by himself. Why couldn't he do the same thing? He didn't stop fighting them for hours after the strange device around his neck had been removed, until the venom had eventually worn off and all that was left were pathetic apologies amongst ugly wailings.

Clearly, doesn't love them enough and that hurts.

Feeling his eyes and his chest burn, a painful lump in his throat, Hiccup angrily walks away, wiping at his eyes.

He's not angry with Astrid, he's angry at himself.

Why is he the one crying when he's the one who hurt them?

"Hiccup, please, wait. Just one quick walk! We can go around the village!" Still, Astrid attempts one last time to change his mind and get him to come with her. If he doesn't feel like she'll be safe alone with him in the forest, they can walk amongst their people instead. Maybe she can finally, _finally_ , get him back in the sky again.

But he doesn't turn back and instead leaves her behind.

As she's left alone now, someone approaches her and comes to stand by her side to watch him leave, too.

It's Toothless. The Light Fury is some distance behind them.

Nobody can quite tell what the Night Fury is thinking as well as Hiccup does, but Astrid can still see the sorrow in his lime green eyes.

"You know, I've always admired how smart he is and how he's usually right, but I know he's wrong this time." She speaks up again, addressing the dragon next to her, who gazes back at her.

"He _is_ strong enough. He can get better, I know he can." Astrid adds and the two of them look back into the direction he disappeared into.

He's already proven to them that he can. Not just when he lost his leg, or in their war with Viggo, or when he lost his father, but also after they rescued him. Because there had been two of those vial attached to his neck through a collar, trickling that venom into him like a slow, neverending poisoning, and there was only a little bit left in one of them.

He needed to suffer through nearly two vials worth of processed Deathgripper venom and it had been horrible to sweat the rest away. _After_ hours of him trying desperately to fight them and do right by Grimmel, the one who'd filled his head with blood and death. The nauseating and burning side-effects from the venom didn't help.

_"Please," He would beg them._

_"He can make the pain go away," He would cry. "Just let me do as he says!"_

Apparently, Deathgripper venom can cause one's blood to feel like it boils at some point, much like one of the three venoms the Triple Stryke possesses. Grimmel solution to that horrible burning? A new dose of venom, which would dull the effects of the previous dose until that one would inevitably cause the same effect.

It had been horrible to watch him go through that, but he did get through it. He recovered physically, their Hiccup appeared while Grimmel's puppet disappeared. And that, to them, is a sign that he's still strong enough to overcome this.

Toothless rumbles, missing his Rider, and Astrid steps closer to him to lay a comforting arm around him.

Hiccup will bounce back. Eventually. They don't know how long it will take, how long they will take, but he'll come back to them.

Right?

* * *

_There's screaming._

_"No, please! Stop!"_

_Someone is screaming, someone he loves._

_"Stop!"_

_His hands are around their throat, squeezing, bruising. Their grip has the intention to kill._

_"Ple... ease.... Pl... B....Ba..."_

_As they choke, slender hands take his. They pull on his wrists, claw at his hands, fingernails digging into his skin. Their owner squirms in panic underneath him._

_"I... I lo... Pl... ease..."_

_No matter how much they beg, he can just squeeze and squeeze until the begging stops. The clawing grows fiercer, nails drawing blood._

_Droplets fall onto their face, her face. He's crying._

_"Hic... St... Sto...op... I... I lo...ve... you!"_

_Astrid cries, her eyes rolling back, her hands growing limp._

_He lets go and she doesn't move._

* * *

That night, Hiccup once again shoots up in bed, panting heavily and cold sweat sticking his hair and tunic to his skin. His hands are in his hair, grabbing handfuls of it and nearly tearing it out in clumps.

Oh Gods, he's done it again. He's hurt Astrid again. He knows it was a nightmare, but in his eyes, that doesn't matter. He didn't stop himself again. He hurt her until she stopped struggling, until her pleas were no more.

He killed her in his nightmares and the guilt that he feels weighs on him tremendously.

Gods, how could he? How could he?!

Head in his hands, knees up, Hiccup cries on most nights and this one isn't any different.

Toothless isn't here to comfort him either as he'd sent him away the first night he woke up crying. He's been telling his Bud to stay away from him and so far Toothless has listened.

He must be spending his time with the Light Fury. And though that hurts in these troubling times, it's good. Toothless shouldn't waste his time on him any longer. He has already swallowed up six whole years.

For some reason, despite his attempts at keeping quiet, Hiccup can't keep his sobs soft and he grabs his furs to hide his face into. No use waking someone up, he refuses to trouble another with his nonsense.

Unbeknownst to him, Toothless is nearer than he thinks.

He's lying just outside of his Rider's tent, purposefully lying in the shadowy side to not be caught. He listens mournfully to his muffled sobbing, knowing that he's not allowed to act on them.

He dislikes that he's not allowed to, that he can't jump into Hiccup's tent right now and shower him with gestures of devotion, forgiveness, and love.

But he also knows he's not the only one forbidden from doing so and that Hiccup has effectively cut himself off from help. Whether it's that guilt that he carries or some misplaced belief that he has to do this on his own, Toothless doesn't know. What he does know, is that this does more harm than good. And it feels like he can do nothing about it.

The Light Fury is his constant companion in his suffering. She's been witnessing it up close, seen that there is a bond so close between this Night Fury and human that the human's pain pains him, too. She has come to understand and now she aches for Toothless in turn.

She's lying before him, murring softly as she licks her would-be mate's nose. Toothless' only response is to turn his head away, still listening and unable to return the affection. So she puts her head down in defeat.

These two have saved her life when the bad humans came to take and hurt her after they'd hurt the human alpha, the one Toothless calls Hiccup.

She wishes there was something she could do to help, but it doesn't seem like it. She feels like it isn't up to her either, that she doesn't have the right to intrude on a matter such as this. This is between Toothless, the other humans with dragons, and Hiccup.

The big battle in which the Light Fury was saved in all that Berk saw. Hiccup and Toothless against Grimmel and the Deathgrippers he held captive for years and years with their own venom. As far as they know, their chief and first Dragon Rider did his duty of protecting the people and they have no idea why he is so troubled.

By extension, Toothless is troubled, too. All the Dragon Riders are and so are Valka, Gobber, and Eret. Because they want to help and Hiccup isn't allowing them to, causing him to sink deeper and deeper into this.

In a twisted way, Toothless takes comfort in listening to his misery. Because at least he knows Hiccup isn't alone, although Hiccup certain thinks he is.

* * *

The coming morning, Hiccup is once again exhausted. The emotions of the night have left him drained and the hour or so he did get to sleep has done nothing to resolve that.

So when a Berkian approaches him with a question about their rebuilding, he doesn't immediately realizes it's him they're talking to. When he does, it's because someone snaps his fingers to gain his attention.

"Huh, what?"

"Are you okay, lad?" The baker asks, the one that's come to him.

"You look pale, are you falling ill?" A woman asks next, attempting to lay a motherly hand on his forehead to get a feel of his temperature. Thought Chief for the past year, they have yet to see him as someone other than "Stoick's boy".

But before she can check, Hiccup stands.

With how close Berk is it's natural they're going to notice something is off and, of course, they'd want to check.

On a regular day, Hiccup doesn't like having anyone fret over him, but under these circumstances, it's particularly unbearable. He's been enough trouble as it is, he can't be a bother to his people, too. He's supposed to help them.

"Um, I'm-I'm fine, don't worry about-about me. I just need a-need a minute." Through his exceedingly worsening stuttering, he tells them not to be concerned for him and then walks off, feeling the gazes of more than just those two on his back as he walks away.

Every day their worry becomes more suffocating. He knows he doesn't deserve any of it. He's the one in the wrong, he's the one who's hurt people, his friends, his betrothed. The one who deserves sympathy isn't him, it's them for being stuck with him. _Berk_ is deserving of sympathy.

"Hey, Hiccup!"

Hiccup is taken out of his self-deprecation by an excited voice and turns to see the twins heading his way. It's Ruff who called out his name.

"Ruff, Tuff," He acknowledges them softly, tone just as distant as he did with Astrid.

Anxiety wells up inside, he's nervous to have them here with him. His nerves aren't in an uproar for him, they're eating at him for them.

In the encounter, they weren't hurt too bad. They'd been on the sidelines, unable to bring themselves to intervene as they watched Snotlout bleed out and Astrid be choked out.

How can they still come to him, all smiles and excited, after everything he's done to hurt them? How can they? Hiccup can barely look them in the eye.

"We haven't seen much of you lately!" Ruffnut says, clearly trying to strike up a friendly conversation that starts almost exactly the same way Astrid's had. This one just feels a lot more awkward.

"And then we saw you and we thought "hey, let's see how our favorite chief in the entire world is doing!" And so, here we are!" Tuffnut couldn't have possibly made that sound any more forced and Hiccup forces a smile to the best of his ability.

Of course, they haven't seen much of Hiccup, he's been trying to avoid the six of them. No, not just them, he's been trying to avoid everyone.

"Yeah, well, here-here I am." Hiccup gestures down at himself and then rubs the back of his neck, feeling the discomfort creeping up. He doesn't know what to do with himself.

And then, Tuffnut throws an arm around his neck and pulls him along.

"Oh-okay, uh, where-where are we-are we going?" Hiccup asks as he follows, sandwiched in between the two of them.

Though she walks close to him, Ruffnut's arms are crossed tensely in front of her. Hiccup can't help noticing, his discomfort being around them grows.

"To the- uh-" Tuffnut starts, but can't think of a good enough excuse and looks towards his sister for help.

"The... the... the Great Hall! For yak... nog!" Was her eventual answer. Usually, the twins are masters at spinning even the wildest of stories and there's a pit in Hiccup's stomach because of how unconvincing this one is.

Is it that they're so anxious around him that it stops them from coming up with something better than that?

"Um, it's not even Snoggletog yet." He tells them softly.

"Huh, really? That's weird!" Ruffnut says.

"Yeah, because we could've sworn that Snoggletog was just around the corner." Tuffnut insists and their lie becomes just a tad less believable.

"Maybe we can celebrate Snoggletog twice this year?"

"Yeah, that's a good idea! Hiccup, you still love Snoggletog, right? How about twice the snoggle, double the tog?!"

"Okay," Hiccup pulls himself free from Tuffnut and the twins stop to look at him.

"Where are you guys taking me and why? Did Astrid put you up to this? Don't try the Great Hall excuse, we don't even have one yet." He reminds them of the biggest flaw in their tale.

The twins look at one another before deciding to answer.

"Secret, secret, aaaand not just Astrid." Ruffnut ends up answering him.

"Not just her?"

"Well, yeah, no one really gets to hang out with you anymore, so we all figured we could drag you along," Tuffnut says.

"And by "we" we mean, all the Riders," Ruffnut adds genuinely.

"Yeah, we miss you, H. Who knew you could live on the same island as someone, see them every day, and still miss them?" Tuffnut muses out loud.

Hiccup wants to smile at that, but he can't.

"I don't think that's a good idea." He tells them instead, shooting down their idea to hang out.

"Uh, what's a bad idea? Hanging out? How is hanging out a bad idea?" Ruffnut asks, a hand settling on her hip.

Hiccup looks at her and ends up sighing when he can't bring himself to respond.

On a different day, perhaps somewhere in the past, she would be right to think that ridiculous. But after everything that's happened, after everything he's done, he can't bring himself to. He can't bear to talk about it either, it just brings back bad memories.

"It's-it's just not-it's just not a good idea. And I have-I have things I need to get back to, so-so, if you don't mind." He tells them, sounding harsher than he means to, and walks away from them as well.

Ruffnut and Tuffnut glance at one another, both sad, but they don't follow him.

Their plan to drag Hiccup away from his duties that he's drowning himself in to get him to spend some healthy and healing time with his friends and family has failed and that stings.

But the worst part?

They couldn't quite hide enough how nervous being around Hiccup made them feel and he probably picked up on that.

* * *

Rationally, Hiccup knows he won't hurt his friends again.

Grimmel is gone, dead, and he's been saved from the venom that made him so susceptible to his commands. So he should know he's safe to be around now, that he's no danger to anybody.

And yet, there is always that lingering worry, the fear that Grimmel's puppet will crawl back out of the depths of his mind to finish what he started. He fears losing control over himself again and that is why he can't be around them.

But the Dragon Riders' attempts don't stop with the twins' failed on.

While they aren't subtle about it, they don't push him into it either. The excuses they use are more along the likes of "oh, look at all of this food that I made that is for exactly six people! No more and no less!" Or a dramatic "oh no! Look at me! I am to do this patrol all on my lonesome!"

They aren't to be taken seriously, they are meant to be fun and lighthearted, an effort to bring some joy back to him.

The twins are especially good at playing up the drama. And, naturally, they always do it when Hiccup happens to be near, too.

Whenever they do this, Hiccup can't help but smile at least a little. After everything he's done to them, that they would still try so hard for him is heartwarming.

Today is no different.

"Oh, woe is he! Woe is the one whose birthday we'll have to celebrate with only one singular person short! We have the mutton, we have the drinks, but we don't have all the guests! So oh woe, oh woe!" It's no surprise that this time, Ruffnut and Tuffnut have been put in the spotlight once more and Hiccup has a feeling he knows why.

It's Snotlout's birthday today and they want him there to celebrate it with him, apparently. The twins are certainly giving it their all to convince him.

Draping themselves dramatically over wood meant for a new home, Ruffnut wailing so loud that other Berkians leave the scene, Tuffnut turning away from Hiccup to wet his eyes by wringing a wet cloth over his face. And oh yeah, they're very obvious about it. Tuffnut is carrying a bucket with him.

Hiccup looks away from the plans for what is supposed to become their bakery, that which the baker approached him for, to watch their show.

And as most of their fellow tribespeople have vacated the area and Hiccup seems approachable, the twins try again to pull their former Dragon Rider leader along.

When he notices, he doesn't tense up quite as much. It's a good sign, their little play has done its job in easing his nerves.

"Come to whisk me away to Snotlout's party?" Hiccup asks as the twins come to stand before him, fingers twirling a charcoal pencil. He sounds almost hopeful to them and they take this as another good sign. Because he does want to go. He really, really does.

"Yup! Feel like coming?" Ruffnut asks, attempting to sound and act as casual as she can. She's succeeding better than the previous time, they both are.

But while he feels a little more comfortable now, Hiccup's answer is still hesitant.

Yes, he feels like coming, but can he?

"Please? Snotlout wants you there." Tuffnut tells him and he looks up at that. Somehow, he's surprised.

Snotlout has been doing better and better, Hiccup has kept an eye on his recovery from afar. He's since recently been allowed to leave the house from Gothi.

"He does?" Hiccup asks, the surprise evident in his tone of voice.

"Well, yeah!" Tuffnut shrugs his shoulders. It's obvious to them, he wishes this would once again become obvious to him.

Still playing with his pencil, Hiccup doesn't seem sure.

Ruffnut blinks in bewilderment.

"Hiccup, are you really not gonna go to Snot's party? He really wants you there, honest!" She speaks up, further nudging their friend in the direction they want him to go.

Well, as unwilling as he is, it is still Snotlout's birthday. Maybe he should swallow his self-pity for once and go.

"Okay, you guys are right, I should go." Upon hearing his final decision, the twins whoop and punch the air.

"Yeah! That's what we like to hear!" Ruff shouts happily.

At their excitement, Hiccup can't help smiling again. They really do want him there. Or, at the very least, the twins do.

Maybe, just maybe, he can allow them back in again? Maybe, he's safe enough again?

He hopes so as he really misses his Dragon Riders.

* * *

_'Hear me'_

_"Hiccup?"_

_Two voices, both belonging to men._

_'Where is your head at, my little puppet?'_

_"Hiccup, it really is you! We found you!"_

_Both wondering, both searching for him._

_'I am your commander, your Master.'_

_"Hey, what's wrong with you? Aren't you happy to see me? It's me! Snotlout! I'm your bestest friend and most trusted comrade in the world."_

_Both mean something to him._

_'You will listen to me, Puppet.'_

_"Hey man, you okay? You look off. What's that stuff around your neck?"_

_Both reach out to him, one with an order, the other with worry._

_'When you see them, you will hurt, you will make them bleed.'_

_"Hiccup, what're you doing?"_

_He raises his sword only at one._

_'When you see them, you will kill.'_

_"HICCUP!"_

* * *

"Hiccup!" A voice and two strong hands are what pull him from this nightmare.

Still sitting, still working on the blueprints for the new village, Hiccup has fallen asleep in the late afternoon. He doesn't make a habit out of dozing off during the day, but then he hasn't been getting a lot of rest, has he?

"What? What happened? Where's the fire?!" Half-asleep, he shoots up straight, charcoal all over his cheek.

"Eh, nowhere as far as I'm aware." Upon hearing that voice, Hiccup looks behind him to find Valka standing there, a face of concern looking down at him. It's her hands that her on his shoulders.

"Are you alright, son?" Now that she has his attention, she can ask. Her hands go from his shoulders to his upper arms as she leans forward.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine." Hiccup straightens out a bit more as he answers, stretching his back and rubbing in his face. His hand comes back black from the charcoal. And wet?

Oh Gods, has he been crying? Slobbering all over himself in his sleep would've been less embarrassing. At least then he wouldn't be feeling so sorry for himself.

"Are you sure?" Valka asks and takes the liberty to sit down next to him. "You could take a moment to retreat to your tent and rest."

It's sound advice, one he should listen to, but Hiccup isn't planning to. He sighs, relieving the leftover tension.

"No, no, I promised- I- I promised the twins to show up at-at Snotlout's-at Snotlout's party." He pinches the bridge of his nose, embarrassed for his stuttering.

He has a valid reason not to go to his tent, though. It's getting late, if he falls asleep now, he's going to be late. Or even worse, miss it completely.

He's not sure how long he'll stay, perhaps, he'll just drop by and say "hi" before leaving again.

"Well, if you want to go, I suggest you head off or you'll be late," Valka advises him, wiping his hair out of his eyes.

"That sounds like an idea." Hiccup agrees tiredly and pushes himself up to his feet. If he gets up now, he might be wide awake by the time he meets with his friends.

"Will you and Eret be there?" He asks his mom, who rises as well.

"We were invited, yes," Valka replies, though her answer is quite dubious. She does intend on going and she believes Eret does as well. But will more people mean less chance Hiccup will be there?

"Okay, that's-that's good. That's, um, that good." He says, his anxiety for the party through the roof.

So his mom and newest Rider are going to be at this party tonight, too? And he can assume Snot's family will be there as well. Hiccup can feel his fear growing. How is Spitelout going to react upon seeing him at the party?

Oh, he hopes he doesn't do anything to ruin what is supposed to be a good time for Snotlout. He's already hurt him so much, the last thing he wants to do is ruin his birthday.

"Hiccup, son, can I ask if you're sure you're alright?" She asks again, still not quite as able to let go of the state she found her son in.

He wasn't just sleeping on the job, he was crying, muttering in his sleep, trembling, very clearly suffering from a nightmare when she came to wake him up. No one else around him dared to.

Smiling forcibly, Hiccup nods.

"Mo-mom, I'm okay-okay. Don't worry about me-ab-about me." He reassures her again and Valka wishes she could believe him.

But she also remembers what Astrid told her, that it is best not to push. Pushing will only scare him off.

So it is with great difficulty that she decides to take his word for it.

"Okay then, you better get ready for the party." She tells him, treating him and talking to him as if nothing has happened, as if he hasn't done horrible things.

A hand in his hair, Valka leans in to kiss his temple. She's a bit more physically affectionate then Stoick was, she's been catching up, but that isn't why Hiccup tenses up and shrinks into himself. He does so out of fear of himself. If Valka notices, she's not letting him know.

He can't deny that it feels nice, however. He's suddenly yearning for a hug.

"Get ready," She reminds him for a second time before she leaves him, really wanting him to be there, too. She has to leave in a hurry or, otherwise, she might do something detrimental to their grand plan of slowly worming their way back into his life again.

It seems like the twins, and supposedly Snotlout, aren't the only ones dying to see him arrive.

Hiccup watches his mother go and figures he should get going and freshen up.

* * *

It's not that the Dragon Riders are weak. They can make jokes, be silly, and be immature, but after all the battles they've been through together, they are the best of the best. Many enemies have fallen due to their might and many more will. On any given day, they can take Hiccup on.

But on the day they came to his rescue, what stopped them from defeating him wasn't that they were weaker than him. They simply weren't as eager to hurt him as Grimmel's Puppet was to hurt them. He remembers how eager they were, how eager he was. His Master called for blood and he was excited to draw rivers.

Under the influence of the venom, he was willing to do so much for Grimmel. But that was solely because of the effect the venom had on him and the way he was conditioned to want more. Because when his blood began to boil as the effects slowly wore off, the only thing that seemed to bring him relief then was more venom.

His friends know it was the venom and Grimmel's many whisperings in his ears that made him do it, Hiccup knows this, and yet, when he shows his face at a party, tensions rise palpably.

It's taking place within the foundations of what is to become their new Great Hall. It's going to be grand, befitting the great people and dragons of Berk, but it is also a strange place to hold a party.

The Jorgensons' house should be done already, they could've held the feast there. Did they choose this place on purpose? To remind him of the promises he made his people as chief before they left Berk, before Grimmel captured him. He promised them to build them the greatest village for both Vikings and dragon riders, where they wouldn't need to worry about war or food ever again.

It's a good reminder, but it's overshadowed by the pure tension he feels as he joins his friends.

As the gazes of everyone present falls on him and it becomes deathly silent all of a sudden, Hiccup instantly regrets coming.

This was a bad idea. Coming here was such a terrible idea. He never should've co-

"Hiccup! Wha- You actually came! I can't believe the twins actually pulled you out of your funk!" But just like Ruff and Tuff claimed to him earlier that same day, Snotlout is elated to see him. He limps forward in a hurry, using a crutch to reach Hiccup, and throwing his arms around him.

"Snot-Snotlout! Be c-be care-careful!" Expressing his worry is hard with this stuttering and Hiccup stiffens in his hold, only lightly, very lightly, returning the hug.

The others, the Dragon included, are smiling as they come over, though Spitelout's face betrays nothing but anger.

He, just like everyone else on Berk, doesn't know what Grimmel has turned Hiccup into, but he does know Hiccup was there when his son was nearly killed. He largely blames him, their supposed chief, for failing to protect his own people.

"I'm glad-I'm-I'm glad-" He takes a deep breath, embarrassed that his speech has become so affected.

"Take a deep breath and don't rush, we don't mind waiting," Astrid tells him as it isn't exactly hard to notice his speech impediment. It used to be there when he was young, but it had largely disappeared as he met Toothless, grew older, and grew more confident. Now it's back and never has it been as bad as it is now.

"I'm glad-I'm glad that you're-that you're getting-that you're getting bet-bet-better, Snot-lout." But finally, he manages to say what he wanted to say, somehow still forcing the latter part of Snotlout's name past his lips.

There was a growing grimace on the faces of his friends, but when he finally got it said, their smile returns, albeit with a touch of sympathy.

But just as Astrid claimed, they were patient. Even Snotlout, the most infamously impatient of them all, still waited for him to finish. In his gaze, there is pity, however. He's pitying him that Hiccup can't even talk properly anymore.

After telling his friend, they break apart and Hiccup takes one too many steps away from him.

"And I'm glad that you made it. it's so good to see you here." Astrid approaches, her hands lifting to do... what? Hug him? Kiss him? Is she allowed to?

She ends up doing neither and simply stands there, attempting not to show how awkward that is.

"It's- it's, uh, it's good to be-to be here." That isn't entirely a lie. He's nothing but stress, but he doesn't fully regret being here. He's doing this for Snotlout and he's always happy to do something for a friend.

He does have to take a breath. Stuttering takes more energy out of him than he remembers.

The party guests go on with the celebration with Snotlout at the center of attention and loving it. They leave him alone, probably fearing scaring him away, for which he is thankful.

Hiccup doesn't move from his spot, arms crossed, and watches from afar.

He's dressed, so Hiccup doesn't see the bandages without a doubt still adorning the entirety of Snotlout's torso, but the mere reality that he needs a crutch to get around says enough. There is a terrible limp in his right leg, the bandage of which he also can't see.

But what he can see is the pain he's in. He has to stay seated, can't stand on his feet for too long, and he's visibly tired of the past day, though he probably hasn't been out of bed for very long.

Hiccup did that to him.

"Godo to have you here, Chief!" Eret tells him with a clap on his shoulder and he hands him a mug, which Hiccup graciously accepts, and he moves on as well.

Hiccup doesn't plan on drinking from it if it's anything other than water from the newly dug well. The last thing he needs to do is get drunk and lose control over himself again. Who knows what he might do.

Neither does he know how long he plans on staying either. He feels like he'll be okay so long as he sticks to the shadows and blends in with the background. At least his dark outfit will have some use.

It also helps that the Dragons seem to be keeping their distance. If they were going to pester him for the affection he hasn't been giving them for weeks, they would be doing so already and they're not. It's a good thing, because it's something he doesn't dare give at the moment.

His hands have betrayed dragons before.

But although he attempts to disappear in the background, someone decides he isn't blending in enough.

"Hiccup, hey!" Fishlegs approaches, a mug of his own in his two hands.

There's a buffet table with the much-advertized mutton and there's a barrel of mead right next to it. Their friends are standing there, in a circle, trying not to look too obvious as they glance their way.

Hiccup's breath is stuck in his throat.

"Uh, Fi-Fishlegs." A shaky acknowledgment is all he can get past his lips, different from the simple distant one he'd given Astrid and the twins. It's hard to maintain eye contact with him.

Back when he was a part of Grimmel's ensemble, it was Fishlegs who had the horrible honor of taking their beloved leader down. It was one of those moments that he surprised everyone.

With one strong hand keeping the one wielding the Inferno in check, Fishlegs held him from behind in a chokehold strong enough to deprive him of air until he passed out and they could tie him up and bring him back to their old Berk.

That is where they brought him to suffer through the rest of the remaining venom, those hours upon hours of burning alive. It seems fitting to do so in the Great Hall of an abandoned and burned village.

Fishlegs had whispered many apologies, cried as he was forced to steel his heart and keep it up until his best friend and fellow dragon enthusiast went limp in his arms. And they had to be certain he was knocked out cold. For all they knew, Grimmel's Puppet could've been conniving enough to fake it.

The twins had to beg him to let go, to realize that they were safe before he ended up accidentally killing him.

Fishlegs could only take him down because he knew no one else could. Astrid was still catching her breath and worried for Snotlout, who was close to dying. And the twins, with their love and admiration for the Dragon Rider, could only stand by and watch. Fishlegs knew it came to him and no one else.

He was inconsolable for a long time after. For even being able to hurt Hiccup this way, for not stopping when he needed to.

When the rest of the venom had been sweated out of Hiccup's system, Fishlegs avoided him, too. This is the closest they've been in a long while.

Just like Snotlout, just like Astrid, he's been hurt so bad.

"How-how-how have- how have you-you been doing?" Hiccup asks, gaze averted, hating how awkward it feels to talk to with his own friends.

No wait, he doesn't even deserve to be in the same room as them anymore. So why is he here and complaining about his interactions with them feeling off?

"Oh, you know, good! Meatlug's doing good as well!" Almost seemingly taken off guard by the question, Fishlegs replies.

Hiccup frowns sadly, unable to even glance back at him.

He did this. He ruined everything.

He wasn't strong enough to protect any of them anymore and that lead to this.

Viggo was right when he said his innocence would get somebody hurt. His father, Stoick the Vast, is dead because of him and now his friends are suffering.

Why can't just be the strong leader they need him to be? Like his dad! He has never failed his people.

His eyes are wet.

"Fish-Fish-Fishlegs," He forces the name to roll off his tongue. "I think-I think Ruffnut-I think Ruffnut called for y-for you."

It's a lie, Ruffnut is joking around with her brother, but Hiccup wants to give Fishlegs an excuse to leave. Or no, maybe not. Maybe he's telling him to.

After all, if he can't properly control himself, how can he make sure he won't end up hurting Fishlegs again.

"Oh," The other says softly, surprised.

"Um, yeah, I think I hear her, too." Still, he goes along with it, taking his mug with him as he silently moves away. If Hiccup wants to be left alone, he probably shouldn't force his presence on him.

They all have a lot of healing to do, Hiccup included. If he achieves this by being left alone, Fishlegs can grant him that for a little while longer.

Admittedly, it's a little concerning how he's pushing everyone away. Including- No, _especially_ Toothless.

Not even when Drago made his Bewilderbeast take Toothless' mind and try to kill his human, resulting in Stoick's death instead, did Hiccup ever shut him out.

Toothless has certainly tried to shut him out, but Hiccup managed to worm his way back into his life in no time. Now that he's the one who caused pain, he can't give himself the same kind of mercy.

And yet, that's been the entire point of convincing him to come to this party, so that Hiccup can't shut them out anymore.

But now Fishlegs is gone and Hiccup feels lonely, regretting sending him away.

But it's better this way.

Meanwhile, as Fishlegs reaches the main group, he is immediately addressed.

"And?"

"That didn't take long."

"Still nothing?"

More than one Rider talks to him and some of the Dragons rumble to him as well, but all Fishlegs can do is shake his head. He is disappointed in himself.

"Okay, what in our list of "gentle proddings and patience" haven't we tried yet?" Snotlout asks, the sarcasm in his tone and voice painfully present. He's pretty much sitting in the middle while his friends are gathered around him.

He was never a fan of taking things slow in the first place. His idea was "get drunk and cry about the whole thing together", but alas, he was too busy not dying at the time to weigh in.

Stupid Hiccup and his stupid emotions. Doesn't he see that they're hurting, too? That they're hurting _for_ him?!

Yes, being around him makes them anxious, but that is exactly why they need to heal together! So that they can get it through their thick skulls that Grimmel's Hiccup isn't their Hiccup!

He wishes he could get up from this chair. He would've gone right up to Hiccup, grabbed him by the collar, and dragged his sorry and even-scrawnier-then-usual butt over to them. Maybe take that whole plate of mutton on the table there to shove in his arms. Hiccup better not think they haven't been noticing the weight he's losing.

But he's too tired to. He can't do anything to help.

"Let me try." Suddenly Eret speaks up, who is their newest member and still trying to find his way and place amongst the Riders. Everyone in the group turns to him.

"I wasn't there for the attack, he hasn't hurt me, we don't have as much history as you guys have with him. It could mean that I can convince him to come here with me." He suggests and Astrid thinks it over.

"It's possible," Fishelgs admits honestly. Hiccup might respond better to someone who wasn't there and hasn't harmed. Yet, at the same time...

"Okay, but don't forget that Hiccup is also a flight risk. He's not often unpredictable, but he is when it comes to something as severe as this." Astrid reminds both Fishlegs and Eret.

It was the same when it came to Hiccup stepping up as heir and taking over as chief.

He's been chief before, or rather, he's been acting chief before, and that was because Stoick had been gravely injured in an ambush from the Flyers. He came close to being called to Valhalla and it has traumatized Hiccup more than he lets on.

Because he's always known he needed to be chief one day, he's had lessons in chiefing, hours of talking about it with his dad, but after that, someone just needed to utter the word "chief" and his name in the same sentence and he'd be out. He didn't want to hear it, would mount Toothless, and Toothless would get him out of there.

He has always been hesitant to become chief, but never has he tried to run away from his responsibilities until the ambush.

This situation might be severe enough that Hiccup might pose a flight risk again.

There's one, sadly unfortunate, advantage on their part, however. Hiccup pushing Toothless away means he can't run from them as quickly.

"... Right," Hearing that surprises Eret as Hiccup has never seemed like the kind of man who would run from his problems. Didn't he, as soon as he heard of Drago and the impending war on his people, fly straight to the people who could put him right in the lion's den just to confront him? How are he and the runaway one and the same?

But then again, usually, his problems aren't quite as bad as this, are they?

And usually, he can fix them himself. This, however, isn't an issue he can just tackle on his own.

Eret leaves the group to get their chief. It's his job to get Hiccup to join them, which will hopefully help him realize this.

He needs to make sure he can't make a run for it. He might have just the thing.

When Hiccup sees him coming, still not having touched his mug, he fears another conversation.

That isn't what happened.

"Hey, Chief!"

"Ah, Eret-Eret- Wait, Er-Eret?" The newest Rider throws an arm around Hiccup and instantly pulls him to his chest before dragging him along towards the others. His grip is unrelenting and Hiccup has a hard time keeping his footing.

"What-what're you-what're you doing?" He manages to straighten enough and asks.

"Dragging a loner over to the party! You look way too sad standing all the way over there by yourself and this is supposed to be a happy evening." Eret tells him and Hiccup supposes he can't fault him for that.

This is supposed to be Snotlout's birthday part, isn't it? He should stop making this about himself by ruining everybody's good mood.

The circle of friends opens to let them in and then closes again.

They're trying to do it inconspicuously, but Hiccup isn't really a part of the circle itself, he's more in the middle, like Snotlout.

"Hey, you're here!"

"Glad you could join us!"

Amongst the dragon, Hookfang is here, too. He knows what happened to Snotlout, but even so, he rumbles warmly at Hiccup and dips his head down in search of scratches.

"Oh hey, Hook-Hookfang." Hiccup greets him and crosses his arms to keep his hands with him.

Snotlout notices, of course.

"You can pet him, you know? Original trainer and all that? He still prefers your scratches over mine." He chuckles and it's a strange thing for Snotlout Jorgenson to admit, but perhaps, it's what Hiccup needs to hear. It could be a reminder of how much he's loved and his presence is preferred.

"Uh... Well," Hiccup slowly reaches a hand out to the Nightmare, because he does want to touch a dragon again.

He's too slow for his liking, too hesitant, so Snotlout grabs that hand before it can retreat to put on Hookfang's snout, who rumbles happily.

"It's a stark contrast to when Hiccup bonded the Nightmare and the human together. He had grabbed Snotlout's hand to place it on Hookfang and now the roles are reversed.

The end result is the same, just like Snotlout was once overcome with joy and wonder, so, too, is Hiccup.

He hasn't touched a dragon since he got back to New Berk following his rescue, not even Toothless. Hookfang is the first and it still sparks something warm inside of him.

He honestly hasn't realized how cold he's been within.

Hiccup without dragons is a sight the Dragon Riders never want to see again.

Maybe inviting him to this celebration was a good idea, maybe it's better than leaving him mostly be until he gives them the okay to approach him, maybe they've reached that critical turning point that's going to allow them to pull their leader out of this darkness infesting his mind and heart.

Astrid approaches him, comes to stand by his side.

"Hiccup, just a thought, but what if you try to enjoy yourself for a change? Forget about being chief and rebuilding the village and have fun with us?" She shares her thought with him, because really, all that stress on top of his other stress is just running him down until there's nothing of him left.

"And maybe you can forget about everything else for a little while, too." And with this, she's mostly referencing Grimmel and the Deathgripper venom.

Hiccup looks at her with a troubled expression.

"Just forget about-forget about-just forget about it? How-how can I-" Astrid grabbing his hand, and grabbing it tightly, shuts him up.

"Please, only for tonight, Hiccup. If you can do it for yourself, do it for us." If he can't give himself a break for his own sake, maybe he can give himself one for theirs.

The other Dragon Riders look at him expectantly.

"I-I can try." He tells them uncertainly. He can't stop the near-constant influx of memories or the way he responds to them or the way they make him feel, but he can try to do better.

It would seem that this is all he needs to say because there's an abundance of cheering coming from his friends, who shout and raise their mugs. They've missed him and they're all happy to have him back, at least for the night.

And who knows, tonight might open up some opportunities to them.

And for the first time in weeks, it would seem like they actually do get their friend back.

Jokes are made, some slapstick happens, there is honest to the Gods genuine laughter for once. It's like Grimmel never waltzed into their lives and ruined it.

It feels so good and for the first time, bad memories and thoughts stay away. Even Hiccup's stuttering, though present, lightens up immensely. And he allows them to touch him, allows himself to touch them. For a moment, all is right with the world.

It's over all too soon.

Because Snotlout flinches when Hiccup makes an unexpected move for him and that makes the party come to a grinding halt for them.

"Hiccup," Snotlout looks up at him with apology, sees his hurt expression. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it.

"Snot-Snotlout, y-y-you have n-nothing-nothing to ap-apologize for I-I-I'm-I'm..."

'I'm to blame? I should've been stronger? I shouldn't have hurt you? I should've known better?' So many things he wants to say and he can't say them all at once. Finally, his stuttering gets to the point that it stops him from talking completely.

"Hey, come on, let's just forget about it-"

"I-I actually- I actually rememb-remember that-that-" He wants to get back to his tried and true excuse that he suddenly remembers all the work he still needs to do. He did promise to finish the plans for the Farmersons by tomorrow morning.

He can't swallow, he can't breathe, he needs to leave.

"Wha? What happened to tonight being a night we forget everything?" Snotlout asks, but Hiccup continues to pull away from him. He struggles out of the circle.

He draws in air to tell Snotlout that he can't just forget and that he has to go, but the words will no longer leave him. He turns tail and runs, leaving them all behind. He barely lasted an hour.

Only when he's away from them can he finally breathe again.

Tears in his eyes, gasping for air, he searches for support with a nearly finished home. He feels weak, his knees quaking. They're about to give in beneath him purely from the adrenaline.

It was a stupid idea to come and he should've known that from the start, now he's messed everything up again.

Hiccup Haddock the Third, once a screw-up, always a screw-up.

* * *

_There's crying._

_There's blood on his hands, on the Inferno and it shines so brilliantly in the light._

_There is the smell of burnt flesh._

_Master wanted blood, he wanted death, and his Puppet hopes he has pleased him._

_His dulled gaze moves downwards, away from the flaming blade and the bloody hilt. He looks at a dying friend's blue eyes in a face framed by black hair, a dazed smile still present._

_He sees the wound, deep and very possibly fatal. The edges are burned, cauterized almost, and it's the only reason why the wound doesn't bleed out. Unexpected, Master won't be happy._

_He hears the crying, hears the pleadings to "stop" and "come back", the claims of "I'm not mad" and "I don't blame you"._

_On the outside, his gaze is unfocused and his lips are smiling. On the inside, he is screaming._

* * *

Again Hiccup wakes up, again he's crying, again he's had a terrible nightmare. This time it was about Snotlout, about simply staring down at him and watching him die.

He can't take this anymore. Not the guilt of hurting his friends, not the fear of doing it again.

So he decides that something has to be done.

Jumping up from his bed with dizzying speed and nearly stumbling, he dresses, barely taking the time to do so properly. And then he searches his moonlit tent, one of the very few still up.

Berk works fast when it comes to building their village and Hiccup hasn't even started on the plans for his home yet. He hasn't even imagined what it will look like and it's not because of some selfless need to provide his people with a home first.

It's a foreboding sign that's gone unnoticed.

He grabs the bare essentials for a Viking. He's wearing his clothes, he grabs his dagger to sheath on his arm brace, grabs his map, and food he'll have to get out there in the wild.

His hand briefly hovers over the Inferno.

How did that get in his tent?

That's the blade he hurt Snotlout with. Previously a tool to help him communicate with dragons, it is not a weapon of pain and he hasn't been able to look at it since.

He's certain he threw it with the scrap metal, how did it get back in his possession?

Did Gobber see it and put it back in his stuff? Did Astrid or any one of their friends? Did... Did he? Without knowing it?

If he did, then Grimmel's toy is still inside of him.

Of course, he can't know that Gobber did indeed find it in the scrap metal and was the one to return it. But then, blinded by his own darkness, how could he have noticed until now?

Hiccup leaves the Inferno behind as he exits his tent, his once-favorite invention second only to Toothless' tailfin.

Where does he plan on going? What does he plan on doing? He doesn't know, he's acting purely on impulse and not taking the time to think any of this through. A million and one thoughts are racing through his head, each more incomprehensible than the last.

Outside, he suddenly stops and he sees Toothless.

Unbeknownst to him, the Night Fury _was_ present at the part. When he heard his Rider's telltale footsteps approaching, he hid himself, but stayed close enough to keep an eye out for any changes, any chances. He saw what happened and now he's here to confront him.

What does he plan on doing?

Should there be an apology for pushing him away?

Hiccup approaches the dragon, Toothless meeting him at eye-level. There's a pleading look in the former's eyes.

"Please, take me-take me away f-f-from here, Bu-Bud. I don't know-don't-don't know where we'll go, but I can't-I-I-I can't stay here." He can't, not like this. It's too much.

Toothless doesn't argue, instead, showing his side and telling his Rider with a gesture of his head to get on.

He's not wearing his saddle, but he does wear his automatic tailfin, and maybe Hiccup doesn't need a saddle anymore after six years of riding dragons.

He climbs on in a hurry, knees and thighs finding a secure hold without hindering Toothless in any way.

And off they go.

He knows the wind, he knows his dragon, he knows how to work with both. Take off safely and the Light Fury leaves with them.

She may not fully understand what's wrong with Hiccup, but she understands that Toothless wants to help him and that he's helping him by leaving the human settlement. So she follows.

In the air, Hiccup looks back at his unfinished village.

This isn't Berk. The people are, but the island isn't and that is also to blame on him. Because he was naive and because he wasn't strong.

There are still some lights on, there is a patrol walking around the village, and he can see the spot where Snotlout's birthday was being held. Or is still being held, there is still a fire burning and he can see people.

His friends are down there, his mentor who is like a father to him, his mom, his people, he wants to go back.

No. No, he can't turn back. His friends are better off without him now, _Berk_ is better off without him. This is the right decision to make.

He can only face them again when he's a better man. Only then can he come back and be accepted again, when he's worth it. A screw-up isn't worth it.

But that isn't why Toothless decided to go along with this plan. After all of this, he is still the one who understands Hiccup better than anyone else in the entirety of Midgard, even if the human doesn't see that right now.

Hiccup needs a break from the stress, a quiet place to think, a location the Dragon Riders should know, somewhere that used to be home without bringing back painful memories.

He knows just the island and Hiccup isn't helping him steer his tailfin, which means he's free to go where he pleases. And where he wants to go, is Dragon's Edge.

* * *

Astrid doesn't check up on Hiccup until morning, a choice she will come to regret dearly. Because when she does, she finds his tent empty and the bed has been cold for hours.

It's still early, right? She didn't accidentally sleep in? She lets a hand glide over the chilly furs, there is not a trace of body heat. Just like he's been neglecting himself, he's been neglecting his possessions as well and that means his bed not being made up isn't a hint she can rely on.

But the chill is and she wonders if Hiccup even went to bed last night.

Confused and troubled, she leaves the tent, pushing the flaps out of her way with brows dipped low.

"Hoark," She calls to a passing Viking man carrying lumber on his shoulder. "Has anyone seen Hiccup?"

"The chief? Not since yesterday, we thought he was still sleeping." Hoark tells her, briefly dropping his load, and Astrid immediately knows something is terribly wrong.

So if he hasn't slept in his bed and nobody has seen him, then where did he go?

"Oh no. Stormfly!" She whispers before calling for her dragon. The Nadder quickly descends from above, having been the one to bring Astrid to Hiccup's tent, and gives her a worried croak as if asking her what is wrong.

"We have to go get the others." Her Rider tells her as she climbs into the saddle and that answer will have to do for now.

If she's right about this then every second counts and she won't waste a single one. She can tell Stormfly when she informs the others.

"Come on, Girl, up!" She insists while Stormfly hesitates with the lack of answers. But upon her insistence, the Nadder lifts herself up into the air.

Or perhaps, on second thought, Stormfly can help her with something while she fills her friends in.

* * *

"What do you mean "Hiccup's gone"? Where could he have gone?" Snotlout asks as he carries Hookfang's saddle to the dragon. It's not as heavy as it used to be since getting injured and his stitches are no longer in any danger of ripping, but it's still a chore to saddle the Nightmare up.

Hookfang stays as still as he can, hoping to make this easier on his human partner. He would try to stop Snotlout, but if Hiccup really is missing, then Snotlout will want to go after him, too. He won't let Hookfang leave without him.

"I'm telling you guys, Hiccup left New Berk! He wasn't in his tent, hasn't been in his tent for hours, and no one has seen him since yesterday." Astrid urges them to believe her. When she found them one by one, she'd told them to grab their saddles, some provisions, and arm themselves before she announced that they were about to leave to chase after their runaway leader.

"Hiccup was doing a little bit better during the party, so maybe he took to the sky again? Maybe he's taking a walk in the forest? A bath in the river?" Fishlegs suggests, wanting to ease her worries just a tad.

"Uh, was he? Because Snotlout flinched and Hiccup ran. I don't think that means he was doing 'a little bit better'." Tuffnut reasons.

"But he stayed with us and joked with us yesterday! Going from barely looking at us to that is progress!" Fishlegs argues back and he's not wrong. What happened during the celebration, before Hiccup left, was good and Fishlegs clings to this as fact.

"Fishlegs, nobody is saying otherwise, but you have to put yourself in his shoes," Astris tells him, walking over to Snotlout and Hookfang to help them saddle up.

"Yeah, I can't imagine it's easy to see that your friends are scared of you." Snotlout quietly muses.

He feels guilty. If only he could control himself, then Hiccup would've stayed. Not just on Berk, but at the party itself.

He was so, so happy to see him show up. He misses jabbing back and forth with Hiccup, the sass, playing rough as if they're children, misses the comfort of having him around.

For a second, almost an hour, he had him back and now Hiccup is gone again and he couldn't be further away from them.

They still tried to make the party work and they succeeded, but it wasn't the same without him.

"But we're not scared of him! He's Hiccup. _Our_ Hiccup! We're not scared of him." Ruffnut argues on top of Barf.

"Oh, really? So you can honestly tell me that there wasn't one moment in the past few weeks that you didn't look over your shoulder when you knew he was near? That you didn't feel nervous standing right next to him? That you weren't afraid to say the wrong thing? Can you look me in the eye and honestly tell me that you didn't feel or do any of that, Ruffnut Thorston?" Astrid asks, confronting her with the truth.

Ruffnut can't deny it and so she looks away in fury. She didn't have to be so blunt about it.

Her face scrunches up, tears well up in her eyes, and Astrid sighs in regret before approaching her. One hand grabs Barf's horn, the other Ruffnut's arm.

"Ruffnut, I'm not telling you this to hurt you. I'm telling you this because this is why it's important we heal _together_. And we can do that without Hiccup." She hopes Ruffnut understands. Her words didn't come from a bad place, but she does need her to understand.

"Then what are we waiting for? let's go!" Snotlout pushes them into leaving already and climbs into the saddle, with Hookfang lowering himself as low as he can so his Rider won't strain himself too much. A worried grumble leaves him, though he doesn't intend on stopping him.

For as much as the two can brawl, especially in the very beginning of their partnership, Hookfang never wants Snotlout to be hurt and vice versa.

"We will, Snotlout, in a moment." As Astrid says that, Snotlout throws his hands up in frustration.

Didn't she say earlier that every second counts?!

But just as he thinks that, Stormfly joins them.

After gathering their friends, the Nadder flew off with a mission and now she's back.

"Stormfly, did you find any sign of him?" With her strong nose, Astri asked her to fly low over the village and the forest to see if she can catch a sniff of him.

Stormfly chirps in alarm, wings fluttering in distress, and she turns away from Astrid to turn her nose out towards the horizon. Clearly, she's showing her human that Hiccup left the island.

Fear briefly passes on all of their faces as they wonder what Hiccup being in the direction of the ocean must mean.

He's done it before, chosen the ocean over the friends that will surely come for him. It was on Savage's ship, when there was a bounty on his head, when the threat of being handed over to Viggo made fear win over common sense.

They can't just accept that. But the only other way Hiccup could've left is if-

"Stormfly, is Toothless with him?" Astrid asks as a Nadder nose would know. Their scents would've mixed on the way out.

Stormfly chirps affirmingly, feets trappling excitedly in place, purely Nadder behavior. It means "happy", it means that Hiccup left the island on Toothless' back.

They all sag in relief.

Yes, clearly Hiccup has made a very impulsive decision in a highly emotional moment, but he's with Toothless. And after pushing him away for weeks? That can only be a good thing.

It is the progress Fishlegs spoke about a minute earlier. It is very likely that they have not yet reached that critical turning point they hoped to reach last night, but that it is coming and that it is close.

And yes, Hiccup also pushed him away, but unlike the Dragon Riders, who decided to honor his wish and keep their distance, Toothless has kept his eye on him this entire time. He still knows Hiccup the best, they realize this, and that, he approached Toothless at all is a good thing.

There is progress in this huge step back.

"This is good! This is very good!" Fishlegs is already cheering.

"Uh yeah, I guess, but this just means he's getting farther away even faster than we originally thought. So let's get going!" Snotlout lectures them and Hookfang snorts in agreement.

Tuffnut, much like Ruffnut, is already on Belch. This leaves just Astrid and Fishlegs to climb onto their individual dragons and they do so quickly. Afterward, they face the horizon.

"Dragon Riders! Let's go find our missing leader and bring him home!" Astrid orders her friends. She doesn't say it in as many words, but they still go where Hiccup goes.

"Let's go, we're checking the Edge out first!" Their second-in-command decides and they take off, eager to close the distance between them and a Night Fury who hopefully knows they're coming and is taking his sweet, sweet time getting to their destination.

Eret, Valka, and Gobber wanted to come, but this is between the Dragon Riders and it's a matter they will resolve themselves. It means shutting Eret out, but they hope he understands.

Hiccup can be much like a Night Fury, which is in turn quite like a cat. he doesn't like to show that he's hurt even when he can't hide it and he would rather hide away then burden anyone even when he can do something without outside help.

When it comes to pains in his leg, he would rather deal with them himself, too, the sole exception being Toothless.

They wrongly thought it would help to play into this, to let Hiccup come to them when he feels ready, and the result was that these wounds have been left untreated for too long and they've festered. And in they, they can't properly heal and mend their bond without him.

It's time to treat this infection, all of theirs, but they'll have to find him first.

They won't stop fighting for him. Not until he's safe and sound back with them, not until they can smile and laugh with him again. They fly and their formation is off, but they are certain that it will be complete someday soon and they will make sure of it.


End file.
